Monday, June 7, 2010

Losing Me -Part 1 Feeding The Madness


My name is Lynx Garcia also known as Supersize Spanishfly and some of you may know me personally or know me through the various networks I have worked for or written for such as www.egradioonline.com,where I was also co-host of one of the top radio show podcasts on the internet at the time also known as EXTRAVAGANGSTA RADIO. I was a paid blogger for www.sitv.com. I also wrote articles building on ethnic untiy for www.blacktino.net. And up until a few months ago I was a contributing writer for www.largeincharge.com covering music and entertainment for the magazine dedicated to size acceptance and empowerment. I also contributed to my dear friend Emma's publication E2K Magazine www.e2kmagazineonline.com. Many of my posts were also featured on www.thisis50.com . Although I do miss writing about music,activism,ethnic unity today I celebrate as it is the first time I am writing about myself and my life's journey.So whether you know me from Facebook or have met me, or are my dear personal friend I thank you for joining me.

Today I have begun detoxing with my dear friend Supa Nova Slom program from his book titled The Remedy The Five-Week Power Plan to Detox Your System, Combat the Fat, and Rebuild Your Mind and Body. I am excited because it is a book and a system that is addressing not only the physical body but the spiritual and mental entities. Embarking on this journey is not about weight loss for me,it's about wellness, it's about healing myself of the many physical as well as mental afflictions I have suffered for way too long. The first four days are intense and so along with purging physically I will be purging ,releasing,facing and confronting my past behaviors as I attempt to reclaim my life. So for the next four days I will share my story with the world.

To FULLy understand where I am headed you have to know where I have come from. Normally people speak of themselves or document their history from birth to present day,well I am far from normal so I will begin somewhere in the middle of my life and work my WEIGH down, then, back up again (literally).


Looking at that picture of me so so many pounds ago, I have mixed feelings. It would seem to most that weighing almost 600lbs would have ensured that I would be this hermit confined to the walls of my home, but such wasn't the case. I was happy. I had boyfriends(yes as in more than one) I was confident,I was performing and was in high demand along with the duo Partners In Crime, which consisted of best friends Sidell and K-Foots ,two great guys rapping about their love and appreciation for Big Beautiful Women way before it was popular. Even though I was a spoken word artist I began rapping and singing along with the duo and I was living the life. Or was I?

See when I say "happy" I mean I was happy with who I was as a person. Although I was Supersize, I was happy I was attractive, I was romantically involved. I was happy people my BBW community loved and aceppted me. I even had a few binge buddies, skinny ones too! As far as I was concerned I was fly. I was a Queen,a Supersize Queen.

But physically...I was dying, my body,the shell, the temple that hosted this Supersize spirit was in critical condition. I was huffing and puffing after walking just half a block. I was sleeping on top of up to 5 pillows because I couldn't breath at night. It took me 10 minutes to walk up a flight of stairs. I had developed pulmonary hypertension. During my menses I was droppping blod clots the size of a liver. I was anemic. I had high blood pressure. My knees would make a cracking sound when I stood up from a sitting position. I was hopsitalized with pneumonia. I was scared, the pneumonia wasn't clearing up and I was given oxygen to help me breathe. My pressure was so high they had to give me medication to bring it down. My mother sat with me the whole first two days without showering or leaving my side an EKG revealed I had an enlarged heart, the doctors told my Mom that more than likely some of my other organs were probably enlarged too. They spoke to her in a manner that would suggest she had allowed this to happen to me and she was embarrassed but more so worried that she would lose another one of her children. (My brother James had died a few years before). She prayed and she wept and I was praying too,swearing to God and the Virgin Mary and all the saints that if I came out of this ok I would promise to lose weight and stop eating fast foods.

After a few days the antibotics were working and the pneumonia was clearing up and the doctors let my mother know that I would be going home in a day or two. I was released with a clear chest and 20 lbs lighter. I was walking on air. I was alive.

False

I was death waiting to happen. I arrived to my house with loads of family and friends visiting me and bringing me balloons and stuffed bears. The first two days I ate lightly and walked around my block. I was going to be ok.

On the third day ,although I had the scare OF my life, although I was scared FOR my life, I opted for eating 6 eggs scrambled in butter with a half a pound of bacon,4 slices of american cheese in an entire loaf of Italian bread that was also smeared with butter and washed it down with half a gallon of orange juice or soda. And an hour later I was looking for a snack, I found and consumed an entire Entenmann's pound cake with two cups of coffee while my mother wept. She couldn't save me from myself. I was addicted to food,I was compulsive and I was out of control and it was tearing me and my family apart.

I was becoming a finacial strain on my parents. I was breaking furniture,toilet bowls,beds and everytime I did my parents had to go out and replace these things. I ate up the food while they were at work and they'd have to go buy more food but I felt I contributed by always cooking and cleaning and cooking...and obviously ..eating. I still went to parties and met with friends to go eat. I took a taxi everywhere. Money that they gave me as well. After hearing about how expensive it was to have me living at home I even got a job with the same Taxi company driving me around as a dispatcher. I loved that job the drivers would bring me doughnuts and chinese food if I got them a real good call like to the airport or Long Island. I was clocking serious paper and I was spending my money on my nephew and nieces and on food. Lots of food. I had men interested in me and inviting me out to..eat. I even found some binge buddies who would accompany me and since they were crying and I was buying,instead of depositing my money in the bank I was depositing my money into Mcdonald's bank...I'm loving it? Naw, Mcdonald's was loving me and my money. And I...well, I was losing me.



Queen of The BBW's ,confident,proud,regal,sensual,secure,loving,funny,outgoing sexxxy me...

Losing....

What was I doing? What was going on in my mind?



Please..do leave your comments.questions,thoughts..kudos ,well wishes. I appreciate you all.

peace,love and much respect
Lynx Garcia

17 comments:

Pantera said...

So touching Lynx...I wish you nothing but the best success with your detox. Although I know your story first hand...these thoughts and feelings are amazing to hear, I'm not going to say that I didn't know you were going through heavy drama with yourself, but to see it written it just makes me that much more connected to you! Love you always cuz, and I wish you the best!!!!

Kim said...

HOW BEAUTIFUL!!!

DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY PEOPLE... 1.ARE GOING TO BE TOUCHED, 2.INFLUENCED, 3.FEEL THEY HAVE A CONNECTION TO YOUR EXPERIENCE(S),4. NEED TO HEAR YOUR STORY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, 5. WILL HAVE THE COURAGE TO LOVE THEMSELVES AND THEIR BODY 6. WILL MAKE SERIOUS CHANGES 7. ARE GOING TO THINK THAT IF YOU CAN DO IT, THEY CAN TOO!! 9. WILL NOT GIVE UP AFTER READING YOUR STORY 10. WILL STILL HAVE HOPE FOR LIVING LIFE!!

I AM TRULY PROUD OF YOU!!! GO GIRL!!! KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!! YOUR PATH/JOURNEY IS BIGGER DEAL THAN YOU KNOW...YOU WILL BE HELPING SO MANY!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!

Ivan Sanchez said...

Lynx My Sister: I don’t recognize you in the picture about, because I see sadness in that picture – and I’ve never seen sadness in you since we first met.

You’ve always carried yourself with so much poise, grave and love of humanity, love of your people, and love of life that no one can see the weight you carry when we’re not looking.

I have a sense of fear in my heart because I see my sister involved in the battle of her life and all I and do is offer words of love and support. But please know our words of support are sincere and our belief in you overcoming is sincere…

Salute to Nova and his family and friends who are helping you heal your mind in order to heal the rest… Many of us have lost sight of the destructive behavior our minds allow us to participate in.

You were born to fight this battle and in doing so educate those around you who don’t have the courage to face it publicly.

Enough of the mushy stuff – just get it done and teach those around you about the endless possibilities of mind overcoming matter!

Much Love on your journey… Your Brother, Ivan

Ms. Aja B. said...

*hugs*

As someone going through her own process of losing weight and trying to let the "fat girl" go, I so understand where you are coming from and where you are trying to go. You definitely have my support, Sis. You always have. :o)

I am always inspired by you! Can't wait to see you on Saturday.

peace & love,
Aja

Lah Tere said...

You inspire me! Gracias por compartir! There is always Breakdown before breakthrough! You are a blessing to us all! Love u!

Alkebulan Aya said...

Ashe mama! I'm sooooo proud of you! I already read your first installment & am looking forward to eading more...you truly are an inspiration...and not just for BBW...but for anyone who has ever had to face their own personal demons in order to rescue themselves from the maddness. You are my hero simply for sharing so much of yourself. Not everyone would be as quick or comfortable to share with others such painful aspects of their lives so honestly. I havesuch a deep respect for you & I support you all the way!

Peace & Blessings Always,
Your sistah! Alkebulan

Jori Jordon said...

Lynx ! God will see you through this journey of weight loss. You have truely touched my soul.
You have always since day 1 been a warm hearted Queen .
No matter what size spanish fly your always fly.
Im so proud of the steps you are taking for the new you, physically and mentally. If there is anything anything I can do to help in your journey to longevity let me know .
FYI I can do some cardio exercise routines with you. i will come to you . i love you, your spirit and all that you do . Stay Blessed Queen I LOVE YOU ! XOXO XX:)

The 1 Lady P said...

Ms. Lynx, my sister, my friend and my inspiration in so many ways. I knew from the moment you surprised me with a phone call (and my mouth dropped because I was talking to the 1 and ONLY SuperSize SpanishFly) that we would be great friends, able to encourage one another with positive words and thoughtful gestures. So from 800 miles away, I say this to you : "Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself and return with a force greater than ever. YOU are the epitomy of feminine strength and I admire you dearly for that example. My love is with you and little Lynx during your journey to a better YOU !"
I love you my sister and I WILL see YOU soon !
The 1 Lady P

Liza Marie said...

Lynx.... all I can say is WOW!! You are so beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing a piece of you with all of us. You are an inspiration. You will get there!! And while you get there and when you get there we all will be cheering for us!!

Love and Light to you always,
Liza Marie (one love)

BoricuaSouL said...

Lynx you are an amazing person. I've only known you through FB but since we've been fb friends you always are an inspiration. Sharing positivity and strength. Especially as you allow us in and give us a peek into your soul and into to your struggle.

We share a connect and our struggles different but yet the same. Your an inspiration!

Lissette-Lissette said...

I'm 5'1 and the doctor said I was 30 lbs overweight, which explains the pains in my back, knees and neck (heavy breasts). I've been struggling to shed just 30 lbs, at times wanting to just give up but when I see your journey, your strength and perserverence, it makes me see that I can do it to. I am back to Tae Bo and handball and will start power walking this week. I thank you for playing a part in that! Keep on keeping on, Queen.

Bless Roxwell said...

wow! power to you mama! stay strong stay positive stay focused but most importantly, stay you! you're so beautiful and all I can say is you are an inspiration to so many! <3

bigmpv said...

I never knew you had this blog but as a supersize lady myself and working on changing that I understand and wish you all the success on your change. You are a beautiful woman and wish you continued success.

Angie said...

UNFORTUNATELY IT SOMETIMES TAKES ALOT FOR US TO REALIZE WHAT WE ARE DOING TO OURSELVES... I AM SOOO GLAD THAT YOU INVITED ME TO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE.. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOUR POSTS MEAN AND HELP ME DAILY... PROUD OF YOU ON FINDING YOU AND WANTING TO BETTER YOURSELF AND AT THE SAME TIME TAKE YOUR TIME TO HELP ME AND OTHERS BENEFIT FROM YOUR JOURNEY.. THANK YOU AND FELICIDADES CHIKUILLA!!!

MeMe said...

You were a beautiful soul then and you are a beautiful soul now......you keep me inspired!!!! Cassandra Nichelle Brooks

MeMe said...

Forgot to add that this is very touching and is very close to home for me!!!

Auntie DeeDee said...

Thank you so much sis for having the courage to share your story. You are truly a beautiful being inside and out. I can totally identify and I thank you for leading me out from my world of denial. I love food but no I don't like hearing my knees crack when I get up or taking cabs everywhere. I have recently started a personal journey of getting well and reading your story has confirmed that I am not alone in this journey...I can't thank you enough for being the fabulous YOU that you are!!!