Monday, June 14, 2010
My thought on taking higher ground
It certainly is quite lonely up here ..but it sure is peaceful" When somone is trying to rile you up..don't give them the satisfaction.... just smile and keep moving forward/upward..that really pisses them off :)
I've heard that moutain climbers often get bruised,cut,suffer fractures or even broken bones on their way up a mountian and that somehow desoite the pain they tend to their wounds and continue to climb,I suppose they feel that the trek will be worth the pain so that they could experience the magnificence of the view and savor the sweet taste of accomplishment and inspire others to do the same... it could be my brother that the best is yet to come,as I reminded you in the past,just be AWARE of the dangers and TEND to your wounds so that you can continue onward,upward as you heal..and just maybe those dreams will come to fruition and you will find that you may not have it all but you will have what you need and right on time,hopefully with minimal scars :)Rise !!
I love sweets..I love sweets and they love me,sticking preferably to my hips thighs arms and lower tummy,giving me that kangaroo pouch (I swear one of these days Joe Boxer is gonna jump out of there and think I'm his Mama!)
Oh those sweets,taking me on a high and then a crashing low just making me reach out for more. I have been feening all morning for some kind of cake (carrot cake is my favorite) I been thinking about it,remebering what it smells like, the feel and taste of that cream cheese frosting on top...oooh, giving me the chills and thrills but like a one night stand with a clueless partner, the chill and thrill are cheap and leave you with feelings of emptiness and guilt and that age old question ...why did I do that? It didn't feel good,it was a temporary fix..but to what? Do I really want that cake or am I looking for something else.
What's going on in my world? What is making me want to experience that just when I am right on track with The Remedy Program...what?
Well, I remember as a child my favorite times were when my Father would bake me a cake, from scratch, I'd help crack the egss,whip the butter add the sugar...we'd spend half the day making that cake,and since my father worked 14 hour days,weekends and baking were my favorite time I felt so warm and secure and ...loved.As I got older and heavier cake was not on the menu anymore as a matter of fact it was in the house but I was not allowed to have any...so in retaliation I would eat double of anything else I could get my hands on. Madness,locura
But now as a full grown mature older woman, I can have anything I want ,I choose to have or not have it. I find that a few sips of The Supa Mega Greens in water help curb that urge for sweets. And my urges for Daddy ,why,I am fortunate he is still here on this earth,all I have to do is take the time to build with him. My Father, I always viewed him as a Great Egyptian King,young vibrant,healthy and handsome.
I am getting a grip on this, giving thanks,purging and searching and sharing
Thank you for stopping by
peace,love and much respect
I got love,plenty of it,from the fam, my child,my friends...facebook
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Here I am on Day 2 and after the news I just recieved I am holding on to this glass of organic Blueberry juice mixed with Supa Mega Green formula for dear life. Without our health we are nothing,we are walking dead or waiting for it. I know yesterday I said I was going to write about The Breaking Point but life has a funny way of changing your plans.
I just found out my Uncle Edmund from my guyanese side of the family died this morning after brain surgery, he was 56, he had suffered a stroke a few years ago and seemed to have recovered well. But he developed complications and had brain surgery the day before yesterday in the hopes of preventing blindness. He came out of the surgery ok but this morning...he was called from labour.
Uncle Edmund was a very little man,very short dark skinned Guyanese man, who worked hard and he seemed to live a quiet life. He adored all his nieces and nephews as he had no children of his own. The one thing Uncle Edmund and I shared in common was the fact that because of our physical appearance,him being so short and I being so heavy, we were often the object of ridicule within the family. At family functions family members would point out how much weight I gained and others would pat him on his head cause he was so small,jokingly of course but hurtful all the same. I noticed Edmund would laugh and take it like a Champ and then go off and sit by himself or play with the children becuase children may point out the obvious but then get over it and just see you as a playmate,someone to have fun with.
And I, I would would give them the gas face and would go right up to the buffet table and rack up to spite them all cause how dare they say anything to me and sure enough there would be some Aunt or Uncle or distant relative there to tell me I shouldn't be eating that. I know both he and I were devestated that people,our own family didn't realize they were humiliating us. Even so he called me Fatso and I called him Shorty...but it was ok coming from one another, if you can understand that. We were both in a sense misfits of society. The one thing we both should have done was speak up.
Here's the thing about me and Uncle Edmund, we turned around and did what no one expected us to do...we got a life and found love. Uncle Edmund worked and visited a lady friend in Canada who he eventually married. What a scandal, everyone was shocked that he found someone and they even commented on the fact that she was taller than him. SMH. Anytime you saw them together you could see the love and devotion. She was by his side this morning when he passed. He was loved dearly at his job where no one treated him like a child but respected him as a man. They made him manager one year and he was so proud. :)
I went on to be a part of a small community of Big people and the people who loved them. I was out there singing and dancing and making small appearances here and there on the television, I even hosted an event at a famous Guyanese club called Soca Paradise where all my Guyanese fam came out to hear me imitate my Grandmother's accent and turn the place out ,I had the crowd rolling. And I was there with my very sexy handsome boyfriend. I was even modeling. They couldn't understand it.
Yes, we did what no one expected us to do.
My Uncle Edmund may have been a little guy but he had a SUPERSIZE heart and he he had cojones,I remember one time I was at the gas station accross the street from his job and he stepped to this big musclular brother who was talking smack to me cause i supposedly skipped his car to get gas. Dude was yelling at me and cursing up a storm and I look accross the street and I saw my Uncle Edmund with a look on his face I never seen before, he was heated he walked right up to the Giant and said "You not gwon talk wit me niece so,me gwon box your ears boi, you must fe get seed like one bygone" (in other words,Ima F^%% you up! your balls must be bigger than your head to speak to my niece like that)luckily the dude didn't understand a word of what he was saying and he assumed my Uncle was my man and he kept it moving. He then smiled at me sweetly and asked me if I wanted to get something to eat from his store.
The one thing I can learn from Uncle Edmund and our similar but different ways of living our lives was that Uncle Edmund just lived his life to be happy as happy as he could be. He didn't let the way people viewed him deter him from doing NORMAL things like work,marry. He just did,he just lived. While I lived my life fighting against society's attitude towards me and I was eating to spite the world but was really spiting myself. I was doing eveything to spite the world I felt treated me unfairly because of my size. I made quiet a name for myself doing so and it has left me to face a harsh reality about myself.
Did I hold on to this weight for all the attention (negative and positive) that it got me? Did I cling to this weight because being so big and unable to work meant I didn't have to face responsibilitties? Was this weight all I had? Did I really want to lose it? What would I do with myself, what would I talk about, what would I fight about? Would my BBW community still love me and would a smaller community accept me? Where would I belong? Who would I be?
I would find out soon enough,sooner than I thought....stay tuned.
Goodbye Uncle Edmund,you are my ancestor now,I am so glad the last time I saw you I gave you a hug. I wish I would have told you how much you inspired me, how brave I thought you were, how funny and cool and sweet and how tall you seemed to me. I wish I could have helped you heal yourself naturally. I wish...I Love you and will miss you forever Shorty
*****My darling people,mi gente...I am amazed and truly touched by the outpour of love and support and concern. I thank and love and appreciate you all. I cried my eyes out after I wrote that blog,there were things I wrote about that I had never taken into consideration. I am truly cleansing and purging out the toxins and the madness. The thing about cleansing is it leaves your third eye wide open so wide you can see inside, clearly and when you see the Truth you know it and recognize it and accept it as such no matter how much it may hurt. As cliche as it may sound the Truth really does set you free but it's what you do with that freedom that determines how the rest of your life will play out for you. I'm feeling like mine is going to playout like a blockbuster movie"*****
peace,love and much respect
Monday, June 7, 2010
My name is Lynx Garcia also known as Supersize Spanishfly and some of you may know me personally or know me through the various networks I have worked for or written for such as www.egradioonline.com,where I was also co-host of one of the top radio show podcasts on the internet at the time also known as EXTRAVAGANGSTA RADIO. I was a paid blogger for www.sitv.com. I also wrote articles building on ethnic untiy for www.blacktino.net. And up until a few months ago I was a contributing writer for www.largeincharge.com covering music and entertainment for the magazine dedicated to size acceptance and empowerment. I also contributed to my dear friend Emma's publication E2K Magazine www.e2kmagazineonline.com. Many of my posts were also featured on www.thisis50.com . Although I do miss writing about music,activism,ethnic unity today I celebrate as it is the first time I am writing about myself and my life's journey.So whether you know me from Facebook or have met me, or are my dear personal friend I thank you for joining me.
Today I have begun detoxing with my dear friend Supa Nova Slom program from his book titled The Remedy The Five-Week Power Plan to Detox Your System, Combat the Fat, and Rebuild Your Mind and Body. I am excited because it is a book and a system that is addressing not only the physical body but the spiritual and mental entities. Embarking on this journey is not about weight loss for me,it's about wellness, it's about healing myself of the many physical as well as mental afflictions I have suffered for way too long. The first four days are intense and so along with purging physically I will be purging ,releasing,facing and confronting my past behaviors as I attempt to reclaim my life. So for the next four days I will share my story with the world.
To FULLy understand where I am headed you have to know where I have come from. Normally people speak of themselves or document their history from birth to present day,well I am far from normal so I will begin somewhere in the middle of my life and work my WEIGH down, then, back up again (literally).
Looking at that picture of me so so many pounds ago, I have mixed feelings. It would seem to most that weighing almost 600lbs would have ensured that I would be this hermit confined to the walls of my home, but such wasn't the case. I was happy. I had boyfriends(yes as in more than one) I was confident,I was performing and was in high demand along with the duo Partners In Crime, which consisted of best friends Sidell and K-Foots ,two great guys rapping about their love and appreciation for Big Beautiful Women way before it was popular. Even though I was a spoken word artist I began rapping and singing along with the duo and I was living the life. Or was I?
See when I say "happy" I mean I was happy with who I was as a person. Although I was Supersize, I was happy I was attractive, I was romantically involved. I was happy people my BBW community loved and aceppted me. I even had a few binge buddies, skinny ones too! As far as I was concerned I was fly. I was a Queen,a Supersize Queen.
But physically...I was dying, my body,the shell, the temple that hosted this Supersize spirit was in critical condition. I was huffing and puffing after walking just half a block. I was sleeping on top of up to 5 pillows because I couldn't breath at night. It took me 10 minutes to walk up a flight of stairs. I had developed pulmonary hypertension. During my menses I was droppping blod clots the size of a liver. I was anemic. I had high blood pressure. My knees would make a cracking sound when I stood up from a sitting position. I was hopsitalized with pneumonia. I was scared, the pneumonia wasn't clearing up and I was given oxygen to help me breathe. My pressure was so high they had to give me medication to bring it down. My mother sat with me the whole first two days without showering or leaving my side an EKG revealed I had an enlarged heart, the doctors told my Mom that more than likely some of my other organs were probably enlarged too. They spoke to her in a manner that would suggest she had allowed this to happen to me and she was embarrassed but more so worried that she would lose another one of her children. (My brother James had died a few years before). She prayed and she wept and I was praying too,swearing to God and the Virgin Mary and all the saints that if I came out of this ok I would promise to lose weight and stop eating fast foods.
After a few days the antibotics were working and the pneumonia was clearing up and the doctors let my mother know that I would be going home in a day or two. I was released with a clear chest and 20 lbs lighter. I was walking on air. I was alive.
I was death waiting to happen. I arrived to my house with loads of family and friends visiting me and bringing me balloons and stuffed bears. The first two days I ate lightly and walked around my block. I was going to be ok.
On the third day ,although I had the scare OF my life, although I was scared FOR my life, I opted for eating 6 eggs scrambled in butter with a half a pound of bacon,4 slices of american cheese in an entire loaf of Italian bread that was also smeared with butter and washed it down with half a gallon of orange juice or soda. And an hour later I was looking for a snack, I found and consumed an entire Entenmann's pound cake with two cups of coffee while my mother wept. She couldn't save me from myself. I was addicted to food,I was compulsive and I was out of control and it was tearing me and my family apart.
I was becoming a finacial strain on my parents. I was breaking furniture,toilet bowls,beds and everytime I did my parents had to go out and replace these things. I ate up the food while they were at work and they'd have to go buy more food but I felt I contributed by always cooking and cleaning and cooking...and obviously ..eating. I still went to parties and met with friends to go eat. I took a taxi everywhere. Money that they gave me as well. After hearing about how expensive it was to have me living at home I even got a job with the same Taxi company driving me around as a dispatcher. I loved that job the drivers would bring me doughnuts and chinese food if I got them a real good call like to the airport or Long Island. I was clocking serious paper and I was spending my money on my nephew and nieces and on food. Lots of food. I had men interested in me and inviting me out to..eat. I even found some binge buddies who would accompany me and since they were crying and I was buying,instead of depositing my money in the bank I was depositing my money into Mcdonald's bank...I'm loving it? Naw, Mcdonald's was loving me and my money. And I...well, I was losing me.
Queen of The BBW's ,confident,proud,regal,sensual,secure,loving,funny,outgoing sexxxy me...
What was I doing? What was going on in my mind?
Please..do leave your comments.questions,thoughts..kudos ,well wishes. I appreciate you all.
peace,love and much respect
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
This note was inspired by a new friend Celisa
Sometimes it is that one life altering situation that send us whilrling into a tailspin of unforseen misery. A death,car crash,unpaid tickets,suspended license,business venture gone sour,a break up, a betrayal by a love interest or a friend or even worse a relative....etc..the list is endless but devastating all the same.
When my daughter was almost 2 yrs old her father and I broke up and it was not pretty,around that time I had lost the friendship of a few of my lifelong childhood friends,my dear Aunt Melda was dying of cancer and I was her caregiver.Bills were piling high and no money was coming in. And I was battling losing hair and brittle bones due to not absorbing vitamins and a poor diet. It couldn't get much darker than that.Even though I still had some good friends left and my family. I felt completley alone.
I was going through "HELL". I was depressed, unmotivated and it felt like I was never going to get out of the fiery pit. I even wanted to completely give up and allow the flames to engulf me. How crazy is that? I stopped moving and allowed myself to stay in “hell”, despite the fact that I needed to move forward to get myself out of hell.??? I even suspected that I liked living in hell....sad but true,complete utter madness,I know. But I think what happened was I was staying down for so long that living in it was getting comfortable,for all the complaining I was doing, it was consistent. I thought i would never ever recover or go back to being my fun loving vivacious flirtacious self.
It was only when I had finally realized,I am my daughters example,she will learn from me how to deal with disappointments,let downs,rejection and so I didn't want for her ever to wallow in sorrow ,to wither and die before she is in full bloom.
A man was not the end and all to my existence and I was happy before I met my so called friends and I realized i had to go thorugh whatever trials and tribulations regarding the love thing,so I could recognize my King when I saw him,i know he is being pprepared for me by my creator for i am a loving affectionate creature and I need and want love but I am now cautious and my thrid eye is wide open. I am willing to live again and put my big chubby foot forward
I am Lynx Garcia and I am choosing to leave the city of death,of physical death,spirtual death and mental death. I choose life. i now reside at number 1,Vibrant Blvd on the corner of Life in the center of the city of wellness. I am your reflection..rise! The Most High is with you and I