Here I am on Day 2 and after the news I just recieved I am holding on to this glass of organic Blueberry juice mixed with Supa Mega Green formula for dear life. Without our health we are nothing,we are walking dead or waiting for it. I know yesterday I said I was going to write about The Breaking Point but life has a funny way of changing your plans.
I just found out my Uncle Edmund from my guyanese side of the family died this morning after brain surgery, he was 56, he had suffered a stroke a few years ago and seemed to have recovered well. But he developed complications and had brain surgery the day before yesterday in the hopes of preventing blindness. He came out of the surgery ok but this morning...he was called from labour.
Uncle Edmund was a very little man,very short dark skinned Guyanese man, who worked hard and he seemed to live a quiet life. He adored all his nieces and nephews as he had no children of his own. The one thing Uncle Edmund and I shared in common was the fact that because of our physical appearance,him being so short and I being so heavy, we were often the object of ridicule within the family. At family functions family members would point out how much weight I gained and others would pat him on his head cause he was so small,jokingly of course but hurtful all the same. I noticed Edmund would laugh and take it like a Champ and then go off and sit by himself or play with the children becuase children may point out the obvious but then get over it and just see you as a playmate,someone to have fun with.
And I, I would would give them the gas face and would go right up to the buffet table and rack up to spite them all cause how dare they say anything to me and sure enough there would be some Aunt or Uncle or distant relative there to tell me I shouldn't be eating that. I know both he and I were devestated that people,our own family didn't realize they were humiliating us. Even so he called me Fatso and I called him Shorty...but it was ok coming from one another, if you can understand that. We were both in a sense misfits of society. The one thing we both should have done was speak up.
Here's the thing about me and Uncle Edmund, we turned around and did what no one expected us to do...we got a life and found love. Uncle Edmund worked and visited a lady friend in Canada who he eventually married. What a scandal, everyone was shocked that he found someone and they even commented on the fact that she was taller than him. SMH. Anytime you saw them together you could see the love and devotion. She was by his side this morning when he passed. He was loved dearly at his job where no one treated him like a child but respected him as a man. They made him manager one year and he was so proud. :)
I went on to be a part of a small community of Big people and the people who loved them. I was out there singing and dancing and making small appearances here and there on the television, I even hosted an event at a famous Guyanese club called Soca Paradise where all my Guyanese fam came out to hear me imitate my Grandmother's accent and turn the place out ,I had the crowd rolling. And I was there with my very sexy handsome boyfriend. I was even modeling. They couldn't understand it.
Yes, we did what no one expected us to do.
My Uncle Edmund may have been a little guy but he had a SUPERSIZE heart and he he had cojones,I remember one time I was at the gas station accross the street from his job and he stepped to this big musclular brother who was talking smack to me cause i supposedly skipped his car to get gas. Dude was yelling at me and cursing up a storm and I look accross the street and I saw my Uncle Edmund with a look on his face I never seen before, he was heated he walked right up to the Giant and said "You not gwon talk wit me niece so,me gwon box your ears boi, you must fe get seed like one bygone" (in other words,Ima F^%% you up! your balls must be bigger than your head to speak to my niece like that)luckily the dude didn't understand a word of what he was saying and he assumed my Uncle was my man and he kept it moving. He then smiled at me sweetly and asked me if I wanted to get something to eat from his store.
The one thing I can learn from Uncle Edmund and our similar but different ways of living our lives was that Uncle Edmund just lived his life to be happy as happy as he could be. He didn't let the way people viewed him deter him from doing NORMAL things like work,marry. He just did,he just lived. While I lived my life fighting against society's attitude towards me and I was eating to spite the world but was really spiting myself. I was doing eveything to spite the world I felt treated me unfairly because of my size. I made quiet a name for myself doing so and it has left me to face a harsh reality about myself.
Did I hold on to this weight for all the attention (negative and positive) that it got me? Did I cling to this weight because being so big and unable to work meant I didn't have to face responsibilitties? Was this weight all I had? Did I really want to lose it? What would I do with myself, what would I talk about, what would I fight about? Would my BBW community still love me and would a smaller community accept me? Where would I belong? Who would I be?
I would find out soon enough,sooner than I thought....stay tuned.
Goodbye Uncle Edmund,you are my ancestor now,I am so glad the last time I saw you I gave you a hug. I wish I would have told you how much you inspired me, how brave I thought you were, how funny and cool and sweet and how tall you seemed to me. I wish I could have helped you heal yourself naturally. I wish...I Love you and will miss you forever Shorty
*****My darling people,mi gente...I am amazed and truly touched by the outpour of love and support and concern. I thank and love and appreciate you all. I cried my eyes out after I wrote that blog,there were things I wrote about that I had never taken into consideration. I am truly cleansing and purging out the toxins and the madness. The thing about cleansing is it leaves your third eye wide open so wide you can see inside, clearly and when you see the Truth you know it and recognize it and accept it as such no matter how much it may hurt. As cliche as it may sound the Truth really does set you free but it's what you do with that freedom that determines how the rest of your life will play out for you. I'm feeling like mine is going to playout like a blockbuster movie"*****
peace,love and much respect