Monday, June 7, 2010
Losing Me -Part 1 Feeding The Madness
My name is Lynx Garcia also known as Supersize Spanishfly and some of you may know me personally or know me through the various networks I have worked for or written for such as www.egradioonline.com,where I was also co-host of one of the top radio show podcasts on the internet at the time also known as EXTRAVAGANGSTA RADIO. I was a paid blogger for www.sitv.com. I also wrote articles building on ethnic untiy for www.blacktino.net. And up until a few months ago I was a contributing writer for www.largeincharge.com covering music and entertainment for the magazine dedicated to size acceptance and empowerment. I also contributed to my dear friend Emma's publication E2K Magazine www.e2kmagazineonline.com. Many of my posts were also featured on www.thisis50.com . Although I do miss writing about music,activism,ethnic unity today I celebrate as it is the first time I am writing about myself and my life's journey.So whether you know me from Facebook or have met me, or are my dear personal friend I thank you for joining me.
Today I have begun detoxing with my dear friend Supa Nova Slom program from his book titled The Remedy The Five-Week Power Plan to Detox Your System, Combat the Fat, and Rebuild Your Mind and Body. I am excited because it is a book and a system that is addressing not only the physical body but the spiritual and mental entities. Embarking on this journey is not about weight loss for me,it's about wellness, it's about healing myself of the many physical as well as mental afflictions I have suffered for way too long. The first four days are intense and so along with purging physically I will be purging ,releasing,facing and confronting my past behaviors as I attempt to reclaim my life. So for the next four days I will share my story with the world.
To FULLy understand where I am headed you have to know where I have come from. Normally people speak of themselves or document their history from birth to present day,well I am far from normal so I will begin somewhere in the middle of my life and work my WEIGH down, then, back up again (literally).
Looking at that picture of me so so many pounds ago, I have mixed feelings. It would seem to most that weighing almost 600lbs would have ensured that I would be this hermit confined to the walls of my home, but such wasn't the case. I was happy. I had boyfriends(yes as in more than one) I was confident,I was performing and was in high demand along with the duo Partners In Crime, which consisted of best friends Sidell and K-Foots ,two great guys rapping about their love and appreciation for Big Beautiful Women way before it was popular. Even though I was a spoken word artist I began rapping and singing along with the duo and I was living the life. Or was I?
See when I say "happy" I mean I was happy with who I was as a person. Although I was Supersize, I was happy I was attractive, I was romantically involved. I was happy people my BBW community loved and aceppted me. I even had a few binge buddies, skinny ones too! As far as I was concerned I was fly. I was a Queen,a Supersize Queen.
But physically...I was dying, my body,the shell, the temple that hosted this Supersize spirit was in critical condition. I was huffing and puffing after walking just half a block. I was sleeping on top of up to 5 pillows because I couldn't breath at night. It took me 10 minutes to walk up a flight of stairs. I had developed pulmonary hypertension. During my menses I was droppping blod clots the size of a liver. I was anemic. I had high blood pressure. My knees would make a cracking sound when I stood up from a sitting position. I was hopsitalized with pneumonia. I was scared, the pneumonia wasn't clearing up and I was given oxygen to help me breathe. My pressure was so high they had to give me medication to bring it down. My mother sat with me the whole first two days without showering or leaving my side an EKG revealed I had an enlarged heart, the doctors told my Mom that more than likely some of my other organs were probably enlarged too. They spoke to her in a manner that would suggest she had allowed this to happen to me and she was embarrassed but more so worried that she would lose another one of her children. (My brother James had died a few years before). She prayed and she wept and I was praying too,swearing to God and the Virgin Mary and all the saints that if I came out of this ok I would promise to lose weight and stop eating fast foods.
After a few days the antibotics were working and the pneumonia was clearing up and the doctors let my mother know that I would be going home in a day or two. I was released with a clear chest and 20 lbs lighter. I was walking on air. I was alive.
I was death waiting to happen. I arrived to my house with loads of family and friends visiting me and bringing me balloons and stuffed bears. The first two days I ate lightly and walked around my block. I was going to be ok.
On the third day ,although I had the scare OF my life, although I was scared FOR my life, I opted for eating 6 eggs scrambled in butter with a half a pound of bacon,4 slices of american cheese in an entire loaf of Italian bread that was also smeared with butter and washed it down with half a gallon of orange juice or soda. And an hour later I was looking for a snack, I found and consumed an entire Entenmann's pound cake with two cups of coffee while my mother wept. She couldn't save me from myself. I was addicted to food,I was compulsive and I was out of control and it was tearing me and my family apart.
I was becoming a finacial strain on my parents. I was breaking furniture,toilet bowls,beds and everytime I did my parents had to go out and replace these things. I ate up the food while they were at work and they'd have to go buy more food but I felt I contributed by always cooking and cleaning and cooking...and obviously ..eating. I still went to parties and met with friends to go eat. I took a taxi everywhere. Money that they gave me as well. After hearing about how expensive it was to have me living at home I even got a job with the same Taxi company driving me around as a dispatcher. I loved that job the drivers would bring me doughnuts and chinese food if I got them a real good call like to the airport or Long Island. I was clocking serious paper and I was spending my money on my nephew and nieces and on food. Lots of food. I had men interested in me and inviting me out to..eat. I even found some binge buddies who would accompany me and since they were crying and I was buying,instead of depositing my money in the bank I was depositing my money into Mcdonald's bank...I'm loving it? Naw, Mcdonald's was loving me and my money. And I...well, I was losing me.
Queen of The BBW's ,confident,proud,regal,sensual,secure,loving,funny,outgoing sexxxy me...
What was I doing? What was going on in my mind?
Please..do leave your comments.questions,thoughts..kudos ,well wishes. I appreciate you all.
peace,love and much respect